July 22nd, 2008
something i wrote 4 years ago, sept. 2004…
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Meditation Blues in F#m (A Tribute to Yatha-Bhuta*)
by Michael Ian Lomongo
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*Yatha-Bhuta – a Pali word meaning, “reality,” “as it is”
(For my batchmates at VipaT(h)ree, especially Modie, Susette, Rose, Art, and Rudy – the “Usual Suspects” of the group-sittings I attend, from whom I continually draw inspiration…)
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“Am I ever gonna change? Will I always stay the same?
If I say one thing, then I do the other
Same old song goes on forever…”
- “Am I Ever Gonna Change,” Gary Cherone, Extreme
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In an essay entitled “The Myth of Sisyphus,” Albert Camus likened the human condition to that of Sisyphus. Sisyphus was punished by the gods to push a huge stone up the top of a mountain, only to have the stone roll down the mountain once he’s reached the top. He’d have to start again, push that stone up the mountain, to the top, and so on. Ad infinitum. Ad nauseam.
“Vanity… all is vanity,” the book of Ecclesiastes proclaims.
The pop song “Dust in the Wind“ by Kansas has this line: “All we do crumbles to the ground though we refuse to see…”
A bit of a pessimist myself, I tend to withdraw from the exertion of effort. If I can’t do something well, I’d rather not do it. (It’s pride, really.) They say, “Try and try, until you die.” I say, “To try is already to die.” Why try when you can fly? Away, away from it all… the suffering, pain, humiliation, defeat.
Desist, and persist.
Of course, one eventually realizes that while desisting enables one to persist, the quality of this persisting doesn’t really amount to much. Avoiding “death,” one only meets up with life, in the form of tepidity.
Ah! Vanity… or… Tepidity… A veritable catch-22. “Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.”
So why do?
Absurdity… Futility!
The satyr Silenus may have a valid point in saying that the unattainable best for humans is not to have been born at all.
And the next best thing? To die early. (Hamlet: “Ah! ‘Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.”)
I guess I would have turned suicidal like Hamlet were it not for the curious obstinacy with which I’ve been blessed/cursed from childhood. I’m just… stubborn. Even incorrigible.
I may get discouraged. I may get depressed. I may even wallow in the mire of depression for some time, pig-headed as I am. But I’d eventually rise up. And fight. A little like Sisyphus. Stubbornly refusing to accept the absurdity of it all… Or perhaps, better: heroically transforming the absurdity into the limited, finite meaning I could somehow find or make in my situation.
Well, well, well… it’s been more than a year since I began practicing sitting-meditation on a regular basis, Vipassana meditation in particular. And all this time I’ve been seriously asking myself what benefit/s I have gained from the practice.
Well… ah… uhm… err…
The thing is… uhm…
Boy, I can almost see the shaking heads and hear the good-natured snickering of friends as they witness me making a (drunken) fool of myself again and again (and at times, even when I’m completely sober): “And this guy meditates?”
Really now, has my meditation practice actually helped me to become a better person? Has my practice changed me?
For, without negating the efficacy of this path/technique and my possible blindness and insensitivity to its effects, or even simply the path’s unsuitability for me, why persist in its practice if does not change me… if it doesn’t change me at all?
Well… you see… the thing is… I don’t quite know how to put it… I can’t quite put a finger to it…
“Hep… Hep… Hep… A categorical answer: yes or no? Has your meditation practice changed you?”
Uhm… yes…?
“For the better?”
Err… am not so sure…
“Eh?”
Am not so sure… For the better, I guess… I hope…
“And the proof?”
You see, that’s just it, when asked for a demonstrable proof of “having become a better person due to meditation practice,” I’m stumped. Speechless.
Well, almost. =)
A confession: The pragmatic and most pressing reason for my desire and determination to persevere in my practice – discipline. I sorely lacked self-discipline. I reckoned: if I could summon enough courage and discipline to sit for two hours daily to meditate, I could probably gather them up as well for the other, more problematic, areas of my life.
Problem was, I forgot to take into account the fact that I was naturally withdrawn and introspective as a person. “Meditation as escape” is right up my alley. “Problems? Difficulties? Oh, no problem, I’ll just… uhh…meditate.”
A year into the practice, I got a bit worried that I might have slackened in my sitting. I had become a little busy and, due to tiredness, missed the 2nd hour of my daily meditation for quite a number of evenings. But warned about the possibility of “craving” for meditation (Irony of ironies! Meditation was supposed to release us from craving!), I (Hahaha!) had this curious experiment: I stopped meditating altogether. Just to prove to myself that I didn’t crave it. (Modie: “Is it possible for one to crave for ‘more’ air to breathe?”)
More than a week of “no-sitting” and I was, little by little, getting comfortably used to the absence of meditation in my life. I argued: Well, if I hadn’t gained much (changed much) from my daily sitting, might as well get rid of it altogether, ‘no?
But I wasn’t convinced. I wanted to sit. (Dare I say it?) Desperately. I had the nagging feeling that it was doing me good… that no matter how imperceptible it was, I was actually changing . For the better. It was pretty much like that itching you couldn’t scratch simply because it couldn’t be located… I might not be able to explain the experience, no matter how certain I am about it. But one thing I’m sure of: the experience is real.
And I realized that the more I didn’t sit, the greater the effort I’d have to exert to be able to do it. Again.
Thanks to the weekly group-sittings, I was able to start again. I was able to go back to my regimen of two hours of daily meditation. (Lately, I’ve been having difficulties maintaining the practice again.) But with humility and a strong determination, I intend to keep at it. (Till it becomes as natural as eating and breathing…)
The following is a brief attempt to put into words that mystifying itch, the nagging feeling that I’ve changed, or better, that I’ve been changed by the simple yet arduous task of “just-sitting.”
With my practice, I’m becoming more serious in discerning the will of God in my life. It has made me realize that, whatever I may do, or whatever may happen, it’s all in the hands of God, so to say. So why worry?
I’m learning to become kinder, more patient with myself and others. I’m so bleep-ing stubborn and lazy that I’m thinking: it’d probably take a lifetime of sitting before I can actually become a changed man, a better (more disciplined, focused, and loving) person. But what’s a lifetime anyway? I can well afford that, can’t I? And it’s well worth the price. And who knows? I might even become a… bleep-ing saint! Bleep-bleep!
Why not?
I can’t wait!
Like Sisyphus, I’m starting again. But unlike Sisyphus, less heroically. Probably with more (or less?) panache. Certainly with a smile. (Albeit a wry smile.)
I’m rolling up my sleeves to get down to work. This very minute. (Not!) I’ll probably end up rolling down the mountain, the stone a close second, and missing me by a hair’s breadth. With outstretched lips, I’ll be a rolling stone. This is Sir/Sri Mick, rolling on the floor with laughter, alternately sitting, singing, staying, and rolling over. “I can’t get no satisfaction…”
A koan: How do you make an egg roll? You push it. Should it break, you can always make an egg roll. Or an omelette. You’ve got nothing to lose.
Meditators of the world, unite! You’ve got nothing to lose but your fetters. Actually, you’ve got nothing/everything to lose. And that’s good. Damned good!
Nietzsche: “Was that life?”
(Me: “A roller-coaster ride?”)
Nietzsche: “Da capo.” (Once again, from the beginning.)
Yes, I guess you can say that again, Sam: “And this guy meditates?”
And truly I say to you: You ain’t seen nothin’ yet…
Wait till he levitates…
Mwahahaha!
Better luck. Next (life)time.
=P
July 22nd, 2008 at 11:42 pm
bakit walang nag-co-comment sa mga entries mo.